No Megan Kelly, nobody needs to be fat-shamed ever.

Where to begin with this one? Megyn Kelly was interviewing Maria Kang. Remember Maria? A few years back, she was in the bikini, surrounded by her babies,with the “what’s your excuse” caption that made every mom/woman inAmerica hate her? It's funny, the things I said in my post, about Maria, 4 years ago, still hold. Megyn, in a discussion with her about fat shaming. said “sometimes you need to be fat shamed” and described that if she went to the fridge, during law school, she asked her stepdad to say, “where are you going fat ass?”

I am someone who doesn’t ever mince words and I ever had trouble typing that.

There are many ways this could’ve been semi-acceptable. “Everyone needs accountability” or “sometimes you need a reminder” but in the weight, body image space, there’s never a time for shame. Aside from being cruel, it’s ineffective. 

Kelly retracted her statement, or tried to explain it away the following day, after the backlash (no pun intended). Some things can’t really be taken back. Kelly talked about her own struggles with weight and how she’s now in in a healthier place with her food. I beg to differ. She may have dieted, I hear her book is generous in terms of food advice, but if you’re talking about yourself in those terms, you’re not healed. The honest follow-up would’ve been- while I would never call anyone else a fat-ass, I shouldn’t be using that language toward myself. Clearly, we are all still works in progress. There has been excellent dialog, of late. about male-female interactions, what's acceptable and what's not. But women also have to focus on their relationships with women. When you have a big platform, it's just as damaging, to other women, to denigrate yourself, as it is to use those words toward others.
Did you hear about this? Do you think fat-shaming is ever ok? What do you think Megyn's follow up should've been?

Do doctors fat shame?

Weight commentary sticks. In practically every initial nutrition session with clients, I hear of a family member, coach, doctor or boyfriend/girlfriend who once said something about their appearance or size. And 10 or 20 or 50 years later, these remarks can be repeated verbatim.

And so, when I received this, in an email, yesterday, I took it seriously.

Loved your last two blogs - saved me from watching "what the health?" (Which everyone is recommending). Here's a blog idea on how confusing/hard it is to raise girls with a healthy body image. Took my 2.5-year-old in for her check-up and was told her BMI is "high" (over 85%). I thought the pediatrician was kidding but then he said no, part of his job is now fat shaming two year olds.

We are all sensitive when it comes to our kids or we should be. I was shocked when my pediatrician suggested I take one son to the eye doctor (I thought he was overreacting). And yet, I almost fell out of my chair when I witnessed his eye exam. At every check-up when the pediatrician plots their height and weight on growth charts, I'm anxious about the results. I could get into how growth charts are developed and my issues with BMI, as a measure, but I don’t think that’s necessary. Doctors would be remiss if they didn’t test and plot and share results with parents.

However, I don’t think young children need to hear from doctors or nurses about their height and weight. As a parent, you can request to be the one who filters this information, decide if it’s important to share and what action to take. We don’t see young children at Foodtrainers because we feel that parents (or adults) food shop and make the majority of food decisions a certain age.

I think it’s difficult to raise children, regardless of gender, with a healthy body image. One approach is to focus on non-physical characteristics. Even if it’s positive, if we are always commenting on children’s appearance, we’re sending the message this is most important. Try to note when your child is kind or diligent or patient. I also avoided, and this may be surprising, conversations about nutrition until my boys were old enough to ask We have wholesome food in the house (and good versions of snacks and treats) and home cooked meals. We are active and so are the kids. As simple as this sounds, I think basics and a foundation of sound habits are key.

With young children, you can shield them from callous or potentially hurtful comments, to a certain degree. But the goal isn’t to raise kids with healthy body images. Our goal should be to raise kids with healthy self-images so when comments about their weight, intelligence, athleticism or character come their way, they don't internalize them for decades.

Are you thinking about food at the expense of other things

You can be successful in every area of your life and fucked up with food. Oftentimes, you can’t even take in that success if “food stuff” is casting a pall. I recently watched an interview Oprah did with songwriter/composer Carole Bayer Sager (pictured above with the "That's What Friends Are For" crew). Carole described the semi-spiritual way she approaches writing. She spoke of her desire is to help people feel less alone via her songs. There’s a universality to her lyrics that always made her seem like someone who got it. But you can “get it” and not internalize it. 

As the interview moved along Oprah, as Oprah tends to do, delved into Carole’s personal history. In her words, she was a cubby child born to a narcissistic mother. Carole shared a memory where her mother said “fatty, walk behind me”. As we know, those comments sting and stick. I watched his (almost 70 year old?) accomplished, beautiful woman say she had never solved her relationship with food. That chatter over what to eat when to eat and whether she’s eating correctly lingered. That residue of being the “fatty” accompanied her to the Oscars and the songwriters’ hall of fame.

The next day, a story about figure skater Gracie Gold circulated. The first bits I read were that Gracie Gold attributed recent, poor performances to weight gain. Now, Gold is an athlete and her body plays an important role in her results. But when I looked at her performance video I saw a slender, graceful woman. Nobody knows if a couple of pounds on a small frame affected her balance or skills. I don’t know the details about her weight history. What I do know is that one of the top skaters in the world was giving a press conference about her weight.

There are no easy answers here. The more body and weight issues are discussed openly, the more they can be addressed. Many of these issues are traceable to a comment or a crisis (Gold also mentioned she had been depressed) and I can assure you most people have them. New clients often talk about “food noise”. My reply and feeling is that having a system for our nutrition can displace some emotion, can quiet things. But I’ve learned that body image and weight issues do not necessarily fade with age. Like our mental state, there’s a range . We don’t expect to 100% happy and I don’t think we can expect to 100% at peace with our food or bodies either.

When it comes to kids and weight, is it always best to shut your mouth?

In the time I’ve been practicing nutrition I’ve become a mother twice (three times if we count Bronco). I’ve seen clients have children and younger children grow up. I’ve had clients refer their parents to me and of course parents “urge” children, of all different ages, to start Foodtraining. The weight dynamic within families is something Carolyn and I spend a lot of time sorting out.

Last week, I read a letter a father submitted to Social Q’s in the Times. His letter opened with “my 9-year-old daughter is fat” ouch, no mincing words with that sentence. The father felt his daughter was old enough for a dialog about making good choices and indicated that his wife disagreed. “She worries about the effect on our daughter’s self-esteem.” Philip Galanes blasted the father in his response. He pointed out the father’s bluntness, lack of apparent love and interest in how his daughter’s weight reflected on him. He warned this father that he would increase the chances of developing an eating disorder. While I cannot think of many things worse than telling a child they’re “fat” I feel many parents are so scared of “creating an eating disorder” that they often say nothing.  While cruel, critical parents can fuck children up – ignoring food and weight has its own consequences. 
Some advice:

You are likely “that kind of parent”

Every parent who calls my office opens with “I’m not one of those crazy parents”. Of course they are, we all are. Most parents worry and don’t always say things in the best way, our thoughts aren’t always pure.  Do some work (perhaps with your own expert) to sort out how your “stuff” around food affects your parenting. Did you have a parent that was weight obsessed? Or critical? Have you struggled with body image and want to shield your children from the same? Are you embarrassed to have a chubby child? You must be clear on this in order to really help your children.

Cook and teach your children to cook (or assemble)

There are few things better for kids and teens than home cooking. Not only is home-cooked food overall healthier, it’s less salty and sweet and doesn’t invite overeating as takeout or restaurant food does. And whether it’s putting peanut butter on a banana or making an omelet, simple cooking skills will encourage children reaching for healthier items versus packaged snacks. And do what you can, if this can only happen on the weekends, that’s a start. If the person cooking with your child is a babysitter or grandparent- that’s totally fine.

Outsource

The exact same advice will be interpreted differently depending on who it comes from. Whether it’s a nutritionist, psychologist or doctor (though I have to say many pediatricians are a bit too cut and dry when discussing weight for my taste), it’s best that someone else suggests steps to take. Parents can support the advice provided by an expert.

And finally, choose honesty over political correctness

With everything our children are exposed to do you really think you can avoid the weight/size topic?  If you’ve struggled with your weight, discuss this with your children. Ask your children how they feel about their size (height, weight etc.) and depending on their response ask if they want help making changes.

And, for the record, I have a weight issue in my midst. Bronco is overweight. And my babysitter gets upset with me with I call the Boston Terrier “fat”.

Want to feel great for summer? I do.

Today kicks off the second session of our Pre-Summer Squeeze program. As I was reviewing our participant’s information forms, I scrolled through Instagram. One of my favorite healthy sites posted a quote with commentary “your body is perfect just the way it is.” And I thought, no it isn’t. That doesn’t mean my days are filled with self loathing or that I don’t appreciate that my body will take me on a run after I write this. It just means I can relate to our Squeezers saying they feel “ready to make changes” or “not on my game” or even “bloated”. My issue with this “your body is perfect” messaging is that, for me, it does the opposite of what I believe the intention is. It makes me feel I have to defend the desire to tweak things. And along with ditching a few items for the Squeeze, I look forward to feeling accomplished, focused and more confident along with my Squeezers. 

For some Monday Inspo

Did you catch Sheryl Sandberg’s commencement address to UC Berkely?

It’s worth a watch; I especially liked “not everything that happens to you is about you.” 

We don’t have to personalize everything and blame ourselves.

 And as only Amy Schumer can do, here’s a clip of her poking fun at sizing and the whole shopping experience.

Cheers to Monday! Have you had your Fire Cider yet?

What do you think of “your body is perfect” type messaging? Any other commencement addresses you enjoyed?